Does It Ever Go Away?
by Invisible Sun
Summary: Post-Grave Spike's back and Giles decides to pay a little visit. Giles POV


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Does It Ever Go Away?

by Invisible Sun

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Disclaimer: Joss owns all. I'm just borrowing.

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Keywords: Giles POV, Angst

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Spoilers: Post-Grave

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Rating: PG

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Summary: Spike's back and Giles decides to pay a little visit. Giles POV

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A/N: Forgive me if I get Giles' character wrong. He's not my forte.

I'm not entirely sure what I going to do as I marched to Spike's crypt. All I heard was that Spike was back in town and I remembered what Xander told me he did. What Buffy failed to tell me. Maybe I was going to kill him. Maybe I was going to talk to him. No. I was going to kill him. The stake I held in my hand proved so.

So why didn't I? Well, that's a good question.

When I entered his crypt, it was dark. My first thought was perhaps he had gone out for the night. Of course, if that had been the truth, I would have had no problem waiting in the crypt for him to return. After all, my original intention was to kill him.

"Watcher?" His voice startled me. "When did you get back to lovely Sunnyhell?"

His voice seemed weary. Depressed. Not at all like the Spike I remembered.

"Spike?" I asked, trying to find him in the darkness.

He laughed sardonically, "Am I Spike?"

I finally located him in the far corner, sitting on the cold floor with one knee drawn to his chest.

"I don't know. Are you?" 

He laughed again, "I'd be careful if I were you, Rupes. If I recall, Spike wouldn't hesitate to rip your guts out and wear them for garters."

"But that is you , is it not?" I asked carefully as I moved ever so slightly closer.

He looked down but not before I caught the pained expression on his face. What's wrong with him?

"I guess I am," he said sadly. "I guess I've always been. No matter what I said."

I studied him, "Do you know why I'm here?'

"Well, I'm guessing it's not for tea and crumpets." He paused, "You probably know by now. What I've done." There's that laugh again, "Isn't it funny? I mean, all this time, I've been telling her that I can change. That I would never hurt her. But I did. Hurt her in the worst possible way."

Suddenly, it dawned on me. The change in appearance, his normally bleached hair grown out and hanging down in his face, the gauntness of his face, his disheveled clothing , his depression...

"Dear Lord, you've got a soul."

He laughed without humor, "Funny, huh?"

"H-how?" I asked.

"A demon shaman in Africa. Gave it to me after I passed the trials."

"Why?"

He looked at me, "I think you know why."

"Yes, but-"

"I told her I'd never hurt her and I turned right around and did just that. I thought I changed. But I didn't. the only thing that could change me was this soul. So...I got it. I never meant to hurt her," his eyes glazed over with tears.

"You went to Africa for your soul knowing the consequences of doing so?" I asked, trying to wrap my mind around the concept of a soulless monster willingly ask for a soul which would bring a whole world of guilt and grief.

He nodded.

"And do you feel it?"

He closed his eyes, "Every second." He opened his eyes, "I see faces every time I close my eyes. I hear screams every time I try to sleep. Over a century of hurt and pain...but what I see most of all is Buffy...and what I did."

I stood still, watching him as he continued.

"And I love her so much...but I only seem to bring her pain. I told her once you always hurt the one you love. Why did I have to be right? And all this...guilt," he spat the word, "It's killing me."

I found myself feeling a little pity for this vampire, though I'm not sure why. 

He looked at me with tear-filled eyes, "Does it ever go away? This feeling?"

I wanted to console him, make him feel better...but I couldn't. "To be honest, Spike, no, I don't think it ever does. It will no doubt lessen over time. But I don't think it will ever go away."

He nodded slowly and I decided it was time to leave. As I headed for the door, he called out. I turned to look at him.

"Please, don't tell her. Not...not now... I need time first."

I nodded and left, realizing I never did what I was going to...

The End

A/N: Well...that didn't turn out the way I planned it...oh, well...


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